From Filth to Faith

I was all alone. My son at his best friend's house, my stepdad at his new girlfriend's house. I was sitting on the couch crying, still. It had been over a month, and I often found myself crying uncontrollably. I was lost. I was grieving. I was alone. My purpose for the last year, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, was gone. I had nothing. Worse, I had no identity really to start with, and now I had no reason to even get up in the morning. My mom was gone, she was dead, and she was gone. At the moment I just knew that I was suffering, I was suffering to an unreasonable degree. Even as someone who has delt with mental health issues from childhood, I was in what I can only describe as the most broken state I'd ever known, and that's saying a lot but more on that later. I was experiencing a shattered reality. I could not find solid ground to get my bearings. I couldn't find anything substantial to cling to other than being mother to my son. Which is how I survived that first month, I think. When he was home I could focus on him, talking to him, making him lunch and dinner, picking him up from school, watching movies with him. It was when he was gone, that I would spiral in that house, alone.

My mother's death broke me. Shattered me, though not for reasons you would think. So, there I am, crying out to God. "God, please help me, I'm dying! I think I'm dying from being broken! Oh, God, please help me!!!" I didn't even believe in God and there I was begging Him to help me. It's as I was screaming out to Him, I feel warm, it's getting warmer, but not uncomfortable, it's a soothing warmth, a loving warmth. I'm feeling comfort, tenderness, nurturing, healing, strength, shelter, safety...I am feeling love. For the first time I am feeling the unconditional love that I had always longed for. It is the type of love that I have for my own children, love that I overflow with, but never have been the recipient of. I'm feeling the love that I always wanted, the love I strove for, suffered for, worked for, and never won. Tears are streaming, but I notice my eyes are smiling, I am smiling so true that it has reached my eyes. I am no longer sobbing with pain, I am crying joyfully as if I had just won the biggest lottery the world has ever known. It's then I hear Him, in my mind, not with my ears, he says to me "I only needed you to once reach out for me, I am here now, I am here now...".